i can't tell if things are better or if things or worse. i got my license, college plans or looking better. but i do havet to say im scared as hell. i really don't have any idea where i want to end up in life. and the future looks more scarier than ever. things are getting really hard. ihave a job now. which means my days and hanging out with people are limited. then when it comes to hanging out with everyone its hard to fit it in. ive noticed myself drifting from someone i really care about. ive noticed it falling further and further away. and the problem is. i just don't have any idea waht to do or say. im tired of lettin hopes fill up. im tired of giving people good news. i can't be everywhere at once. its just not possible. i feel so bad for everything thats happening. everything is so blurry that i can't even begin to notice where all this messed up at. there was a time when i had everything figured out. i wish things could be that way again. i'm so confused. and scared. it seems that the friends i have are getting me out of it. but when i go home it all hits me again. i really feel like im screwing things up for me. i used to act on everything. but now ive hardly acted at all. im affraid to say that i don't know myself. if there even is a true me. everyday i come home. and sit. and think, and i just don't talk to anyone about anything. i avoid talking to people to avoid getting more depressed. but it's only getting worse. all ive been doing is hiding from everything. and everyone.

i don't even know what the hell im talking about...

i have no idea what to do anymore. : (

the weirdest thing ever happened last night. so i always used to steal my car and take it out and drive it when my parents were asleep that is until it broke down. so i havent got to do that in a really long time. but it was sataurday night! last night... that's right sataurday night. and i wasnt about to stay at home. so as soon as my parents left to go to play the lottery and go to the horse races i was off in my brothers car. i went and got lauren and we went to my grandparents to prove to my brother it was alright. because he was worried about me. then we went to see rylon up at his job and luckily he was getting off. then all a sudden i felt i should get the car home. so we left to go back home and we were driving and all of a sudden it started raining really bad. and ive NEVER drove in the rain before. it was pouring so bad and i could barely see the road at all and i started to get really scared. then i realized my parents were at the horse races so that means that it got rained out so they were probly on their way home. so that was alot of pressure. i drove as fast and safe as i could. about 45 miles per hour haha. then when me and lauren pulled in i noticed that my parents were home. my mom called my cell phone "where are you?" but she sounded happy. proceeded with i'm outside. "why are you outside?"... looking at the rain... " oh , well you better come inside its lightining bad".... so i came inside and i was shocked my mom and dad didnt say anything to me. either they were too drunk. or they didnt even notice the car was gone. i'm still shocked that i got away with it.

i woke up with this sick feeling in my stomache this morning. i had some really weird dreams last night that made me feel really uncomftorble. they were scarey and unreal. but the thing is i can barely remember them so why such a sick feeling inside. it's strange because i feel like my whole day is ruined right now just because of some dreams i had. i feel discusted. it was like about evil stuff like. witches, and scarey creatures, and demons and dark places. haha that sounds gothic or something but yeah. im not one to EVER talk about stuff like that but for some reason it was put in my dreams last night and now i feel sick.

sunny skys, baby bunnies, cute lil kittens? i need joy.

i feel fine. :D

this is the third day ive been home in a row. and i can't stand it. i really hope justin will call me back soon with something to do. because the more i sit here. the more i go insane.i hate that everytime i feel tuff. i let myself down. everytime i feel brave. the point to being brave goes away. i can't tell myself it's all going to be okay and sit back and watch it not be okay. no matter how hard i try. but that's just my problem. im the kinda person that watches the world go by. i'm the kinda person that takes everything for granted. ive never once thought about myself. not even up to this point. why is it that everyone elses hearts are more important to me than my own. i worrie about everyone else so much. i don't even know what i want anymore. i can't make up my mind. whats my reality and what is my dreams.

brb phone call. clete
and voice mail. mark
and nothing came out of it. because im still at home writting in this thing.

"pulled from the liquor cabinet
choose your mood and then start to wreak havoc
with your sadness that ensues
this is when i start to lose

interruped by the flickering candles
the darkness that softened the angles
though i am the reason
i am the reason

that i'm filling in the empty spaces
where you, you left your mark
take two steps back from all of this
remember what you started with
it was nothing at all"

a song i wrote for someone.

so it starts strong and ends alone
the sun breaks the ice like words can a soul
were the cracks in your heart anough to break bones
well babe, i've got your smile on my face.
i've got your lips laced in place
and forever and ever i'll hold you in mind, like grace

so how did it happen, where did you fall away?
i've puzzled every moment thinking i could find the day.
thinking i could stitch it and fix the bad news
but it gets hard to focus when i run it through and through

it's never settled, but theres still truth
how did it happen, what went wrong
the wrong words, the wrong mood in songs?
rewind life like its like a tape, remembering things that were burried away
highschool walkways, neighborhood streets
pathways led right down to our lifes greatest dreams

but i want you to know, it was hard to let this go
and i'll remember the good times, and carry them along
and sometimes i'll pretend i can hear you breathing air into your nose
and smile for the times that lasted so long

so how did it happen, where did you fall away?
i've puzzled every moment thinking i could find the day.
thinking i could stitch it and fix the bad news
but it gets hard to focus when i run it through and through

and i hope your skys are beautiful
and it's winter everyday
and when you want it peacful, i hope for it to rain
i hope your life is happy and you found that specail place
and that you hold these memories forever and ever, like grace.